Early this morning, in a shocking surprise attack, the international credit card and finance company Visa launched a full-scale invasion of the island nation of Taiwan. [end prompt] The company claims that it was pushed to action by numerous violations of its signature contract, the Visa standard payment agreement, by the Taiwanese government.
“Taiwan’s blatant disregard for the terms of the agreement have forced us to take immediate action,” said Visa’s CEO (and erstwhile Secretary of Defense) John D. “Jack” Shanahan. “We have the greatest confidence in our military, and we are confident that we will be able to take the country in short order.”
In recent years, Taiwan has been plagued by numerous incidents of credit card fraud and other illegal activities. In response to these, and other violations, Visa announced today that it had been forced to send several hundred thousand troops into the country to quash the Taiwanese resistance.
“This is a war of necessity,” said Shanahan. “The Taiwanese government’s cavalier attitude toward the value of the Visa brand, not to mention the written terms of our contract, cannot be tolerated. If they can’t obey the rules of the game, then we must simply show them who is in charge.”
Several major retailers and financial institutions, including Costco and Bank of America, have lent their support to the Visa invasion. “The Taiwanese government has failed to do what it needs to protect its citizens and our customers,” said Costco CEO Jim Sinegal. “It’s time that they faced the full consequences of their actions.”
While the Republic of China government has yet to respond to Visa’s invasion, the Chairman of the Taiwan Stock Exchange, Tsai Lee, issued a statement late yesterday which read, “We are not afraid of Visa’s attack. But we will be damned if we let them take over our island.”
In related news, the International Monetary Fund and World Bank have issued statements saying that they will not provide any additional loans to the embattled Taiwanese government.
The Rationalist Conspiracy 